Ok, so where did I leave off.... I think I had just had my beautiful baby!
I actually recovered well from my c-section, except for being very symptomatic from my blood loss, but I was NOT going to consent to a blood transfusion if needed, so I just sucked it up.
Lauren was so quiet and sweet in the hospital.... then we arrived home. My mom and everyone at her house was sick, so I couldn't stay with them to have help, so my little sister, Tracey, came to stay with me. She was a great help, until she went to bed.... that kid could sleep through ANYTHING, even a newborn SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER FROM 11pm-6am. Oh my, that night was horrible. I was super sore, exhausted, anemic, sore udders, and this kid wouldn't chill. I remember my mom showing up at 630am, and I was laying in the recliner with this sleeping baby on my chest, and her asking how the night went.... I think the look just about summed it up. Oh, and then she asked if I wanted her to take her for a bit while I took a nap, I was like "Get out of the house, don't touch her, don't breath hard, don't do ANYTHING"..... And, I had some false sense of security that the night of screaming would be a one time thing... it was only the beginning.
Then, Lauren started turning really really jaundice. I took her to the dr, they had labs drawn and they were in the "need to treat" zone. I convinced them that it was because of breastfeeding not going so hot (and it wasn't), and so I just wanted 12 hrs to stuff her full of food, and if she wasn't better by the next day, I would have her admitted---they obliged, I think mostly because of my background. As we were sitting there convincing them, my mom got ahold of her lactation-friend (who is now a dear friend of mine too...), and she snuck me in within a few minutes, only to determine the kid wasn't getting more than 3 cc's a feeding. No wonder she was so jaundice. So, I went home with a pump, and stuffed that kid with formula (while I pumped every 2-2.5 hrs)... I put so much food in her, it was dripping out of her mouth, but I WASN'T gonna go sit in the hospital and have to sit next to my baby as she sunbathed..... I didn't want to put her down that long. It worked, the next days labs were slightly better (but not worse), so no hospital admit. I continued to supplement, but I was
finger feeding
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| Not Lauren :-) |
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So as to not nipple confuse her and to get her back to nursing when I was able to increase my supply. Regarding my supply, when I first started pumping (every 2 hrs) I would get MAYBE 10ccs out of each side, that is less than an oz total. But I persevered.... so my schedule was something like this (time included for example:)
11pm: Lauren screaming, change diaper, prepare formula and syringe, get her ready to feed
1120: Finger feed specified amounts (recollection foggy on this)
1140: Get Lauren back to content... it was the only time she actually was quiet.
1150: Pump tandem, while holding Lauren, drinking water, and taking drugs (aka pain meds)
1220am: Store breastmilk that was obtained (for next feeding to be given first before formula), clean pump, try to grab a snack.
1240am: Back to bed with Lauren cradled in my arms.....
130am: Starting all over again.........
This was my routine for weeks..... it was hellish. It was horrible... it was SO exhausting. My breastmilk was not improving much at all, I was doing EVERYTHING...hospital grade pump, reglan, domperidone, oatmeal, mother's milk tea, fenugreek, mother's milk tincture, pumping every 2-2.5 hours, drinking 100+ oz water a day, nursing after I pumped (I kinda had to do it this way, I wanted her to still suck, to increase "demand" but because of her lack of growth and such, I had to monitor how much she was getting, so to at least give her what she had to have via measured finger feed)..... I went to my lactation guru mega times.... and the most I pumped in a 24hr period was 11oz. SERIOUSLY, 11 oz. But I kept it up, at least that was 11oz of breastmilk she was getting, the immunity she was obtaining.... it was all I had to give. (FYI--she didn't get back to her birth weight until 7-8 weeks of age)
Then she started screaming. Oh my, that kid screamed. Starting that first night, until she was 4 months old, she screamed (no exaggeration) 18-22 hrs a DAY. Screaming so hard, until she didn't have a scream to scream. It was heartbreaking. The only thing that would help this poor child was taking baths with her (which always made her poop... SO GROSS), but we would take shower/baths multiple times a day. Lay in the bathtub, with her skin to skin (sometimes nursing) while the hot water ran over her back to keep her warm. Luckily we had about 20-30 minutes of hot water each time... so it was a good break. I took her to the doctor, they tried her on zantac---nada. It so sounded like reflux.. her screaming, her projectile vomiting (whole feedings across the room, completely missing your shoulder--impressive), but nothing seemed to help. So, I implemented any and every trick I had to survive the day.
Now, throughout my pregnancy, I had had gallbladder problems... I think that was why I didn't gain any weight (I actually delivered at my preok.... until I went to a Christmas Party at my aunts house... that night I paid the price, I had never felt so much pain, but after about 3-4 hours it went away, and I sucked it up. Who wants to have surgery anyway?
Then Christmas Eve came. I was staying at my mom's house for the traditional Christmas Morning present opening extravaganza, but this time, was going to be super cool---my newborn baby's first Christmas. I was going to be opening presents while cuddling her, it was going to be so cool. And my step-dad made rice crispy treats Christmas Eve, and of course I had to try one. Not good..... 11pm, my gallbladder woke me up. I paced, I walked outside, I puked outside (not wanting to wake up the household), but it only worsened. Finally at around 2am, I woke my Mom up, and she had my stepdad take me to the hospital because she had to stay home with Lauren---whom we did not want to subject to the ER disease factory.
I went to the hospital, it was determined that I had stones, but no one was going to do surgery on Christmas, so it was decided to drug me up (Morphine rocks), and send me home to foggily enjoy my Christmas--knowing I would probably be back. We got home at around 7am. Everyone was exhausted from being up all night, so present opening was pretty mundane. Then I went to go sleep (Morphine, remember?), and I woke up at 430pm and came out and was like "We need to go back".... This time I wanted my Mommy, so Lauren stayed with my Grandma (she had the BEST squishy chest---Lauren ALWAYS passed out on her), and my sister Tracey. The way to the hospital was spent with me hanging out the window hurling, and having some thought that perhaps the car in front of us was also going to the hospital, and they were NOT going to get the bed that was suppose to be mine... hahah. We got there, they tried to draw labs, took God only knows how many tries (5-7), and the Dr wanted labs drawn from the groin (uhhh, fun.), but luckily my mother stuck up for me and he found another alternative..... by the time the lab results were back, I was SUPER sick, puking every few minutes, and in tons of pain---and the labs showed that not only did I have a blocked cystic duct (gallbladder tube), but also severe pancreatitis with "impressive labs" (which when medical people say that, it is impressive!).... so I was admitted and had to stay for a few days to be medicated so the pancreatitis could be treated before they did any operation..... I had to stay, in the hospital, without my baby. It was really really really sad. Oh, but the good thing--some medicine they gave me caused a super huge increase in milk supply (in my drugged state, I called the nurse multiple times saying my IV was leaking, only for her to realize I was leaking milk--haha), the bad part---I had to dump it all cuz of all the medications.
So, I had surgery on the 29th of December, and went home the 31st..... I stayed at my mom's house after to recovery (BTW, recovering from gallbladder surgery and fresh c-section---kinda conflicting "get out of bed" movements). I had a drain in as well, that is what sucked the most. But, I still took care of Lauren, still pumped every 2.5 hrs. Oh, and found out on my day of surgery I had lost 32 lbs in 2.5 weeks, since delivery--that was pretty cool!
But, courtesy of the hospital, I got bronchitis. Which, for me, was bronchitis... for Lauren wasn't so "friendly". She started coughing and her mouth would start drooling mucous. I took her in to the pediatrican (it was a Wednesday) , but of course, she wasn't coughing in the office---so we were sent home. Thursday, she was still coughing and acting strangely (not crying as much :-)), so I took her back in.... we sat in the a room for 2 hrs with the door propped open so the dr could "hear her if she coughed".... nothing. And were sent home. Thursday night she was coughing so much, I didn't sleep at all, afraid she would stop breathing, so she laid on my chest all night, while I just watched her.... it was really scary. Friday she was still sick---called the office, but they didn't really see a need to see her, so I stayed home. Friday evening, 10pm, the kid turned blue. Ummm, can we say ER???? So, I rushed her into the ER, they did labs, they started an IV on my 6lb baby (she hadn't even reached her birth weight yet) while I held her down... they stuck swabs up her nose to test for RSV.... and finally the ER Dr asked what I thought the plan should be and my answer, "Well, we have a baby who has turned blue at home, has all the symptoms of RSV, is 4 weeks old.... if I take her home and she dies, you can just sign the check".... he asked me if "such-a-such room was ok".... yup, sure was, and she was admitted.
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| Holding Lauren just prior to her transport |
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| My Mom getting some cuddles.... |
After 3 days, she was having to be increased on her oxygen levels, she was gasping, she had had coughing spells that made her O2 saturation's drop to 60%, so it was decided to transfer her to the ICU at children's hospital. We got to ride in an ambulance (her all pathetic in a carseat in the back) with lights on.
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| Her in the ambulance being transported to Children's |
We got there, she was admitted to a room with just her warmer/bed, and a hard wooden rocking chair.... but I wasn't leavin'. By golly gee, I wasn't. I sat there, hour after hour, watching her gasp and struggle, rubbing her back and crying when she would cough so much she would turn blue..... I was still recovering from both my surgeries, my bronchitis, pumping (although my milk supply completely dried up while there from the stress/lack of sleep/etc). They did give me a room to sleep in in some apartments for parents across the street, and my mom stayed with Lauren---but I couldn't sleep. I think I stayed away for 2-3 hrs then I was back.
Finally on day 6 (3 days at first hospital, 3 days at 2nd) she was improving and moved from the ICU to the medical unit. At least there, I had a bed..... so I could sleep. She started eating again, screaming again, back to my little girl.
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| Never have I been so happy to hear her sceam! :-) |
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| This picture makes me cry.... |
My mom came back up and relieved me so I could go home, bleach the heck out of my house, and do laundry, and maybe shower in my own house.... I come back 4 hrs later to a buttload of people in my daughters room, surrounding her crib... a ventilator outside.... picture that panicked mom pushing people aside to get in to her baby---that was me. She had had a horrible desaturation episode after coughing... and it was determined that her sinuses were almost swollen shut from all the aggressive suctioning they had done to help her breath prior..... So we had this humidified oxygen tube that had to be by her.... I would sit there, with her on my shoulder with the tube under my bra strap and blowing at her face--just so she would sleep and breathe. Or, if she was in bed, there was this really weird 1/2 sitting position she had to be in to not cough..... yeah, we perfected that too with rolled blankets and pillows (which were ok since she was on oxymetry anyway, we would know if she laid wrong). Finally she again, started improving... and we skirted the vent. And on the 9th day, we were preparing for discharge the next day. I remember that night, after Lauren had been screaming for 6 hrs straight, I finally got her to sleep at 11pm..... and laid down to sleep myself. The nurse came in at 1130 and did a blood pressure and woke her up. I was SO annoyed. I finally just yelled "You woke her up, you fix her" and laid back down. (Please consider my lack of sleep for freaking 5 weeks).... the nurse was so nice, she came in, she walked with her, she bounced with her, she finally brought in a swing. We had tried a swing at home, she hated it, so I wasn't too supportive, but whatever. She put her in it, and Lauren slept 4 straight hours. I called my mom the next morning and was like "go get a swing and have it set up at home when we get there".... I have a great Mommy and she did just that.
Lauren slept in a swing for every nap/night until she was 6+ months old. If I went somewhere, I brought that swing. It saved me... and I had a super big stash of batteries, cuz god forbid I run out of batteries... if that thing stopped, she screamed. And at that point, I would get about 2.5 hrs of straight sleep at a time. *AWESOME!!!!
Finally at 4 months old, with screaming still being an issue, with her projectile vomiting still being an issue, different formulas attempted, the inability for her to suck on slow flow bottles (which would have helped with swallowing air), she went in for a suck/swallow study. It was determined that not only did she have severe reflux, but also a very very weak suck.... so the breastfeeding issues were probably for many reasons: my lack of production ability as well as her lack of sucking ability. She was placed on Prevacid powder, and I was told she would show improvement in 7 days..... exactly 7 days later, she woke up one morning actually smiling. I cried and cried and cried. My poor baby had been in so much pain for so long. How could I have not known? Why did I not fight harder-sooner? I felt like a complete failure.
I mourned the lack of a vaginal delivery---every woman is suppose to be able to do it, right? It is natural. I am suppose to be able to do it while in the forest, and then go and continue picking berries after she plops out, right? But I failed. I coach woman to birth all the time, and yet I had to do it the "easy way".
I mourned the lack of breastfeeding---another thing that mother's are suppose to do. "It is best" "Formula is rat poison" blah blah blah...... but my udders were defective. I tried EVERYTHING. I did EVERYTHING. Yet another thing I teach woman how to breastfeed everyday I work.... and I can't even do it for my own baby.
I started doubting that I was even in the right profession. If I couldn't do these things, how could I tell others they could? I felt a fraud. It was majorly depressing. I had so many thoughts, so many days of sadness, so many days of tears.
Then I realized: If I hadn't had a c-section, my baby probably wouldn't have been ok. If I had succeeded easily in breastfeeding, I wouldn't have the empathy for my patients.... if my baby hadn't had RSV or reflux perhaps I wouldn't have appreciated as much the gift I was given. All these things made me a stronger person, a better Mom, a fantastic-empathetic-supportive-commiserating-nurse. I can sit with my hysterically devastated-fearful "going into c-section" patient and know exactly how they feel..... I can tell them what it is like, I can help them and relate to them when they are done. I can cry with them as they mourn things don't go as they had planned.
That little girl has taught me SO much throughout the years... and made me a much better person. And after all that, look at her! ;-) An ubber smart, sweet, caring, loving, entertaining, funny, uncoordinated, young lady....
***Updated as I promised :-)
