A week hiatus.

I haven't been coping well with life lately.  Some mid-life/summer break/almost a year older/my kids are growing up too fast, yet not fast enough/and God only knows what else- break down.  And, since I have been thinking that a mental institution may actually be a remedy, prior to self-admittance,  I am going to take the time to refocus on what is important in my life.  My family.  Not my computer, not the Casey Anthony murder trial (of which I think there will be a verdict by the end of next week of Manslaughter with a max sentence of 30 years.... FWIW), not non-immediate family gossip or drama, not a spotless house, not finances, not the dumb-ass/white trash rental neighbors we have.......... 

So, I am taking a week off.  No computer, no phone (except for emergencies.. and texting is not generally an emergency), no internet shopping, no deep cleaning/rearranging.

I am going to focus on my kids, my husband, myself, and my new puppies. 

Perhaps I am a little full of myself in thinking that you all will miss me, but I will be better after my break.  :-) 

If I get to some posting tonight, I will delay their "post times" to keep you all entertained, but otherwise, I will be back next week.

Hasta, and here is self-treatment to avoid the mental institution vaca!

Washington Fun Fairs and Festivals

I found this link--- We are always looking for fun stuff to do with our kids and thought I would share in case you were too!  :-)

http://www.thriftynorthwestmom.com/2011/06/northwest-festivals-fairs-puget-sound-edition/

We Got a New Puppy, and her name is.............

I had posted previous about my babyitis being a nuisance, and I came up with a non-baby-adding remedy.  A small-teeny-tiny puppy.  I have been scouring the internet and such for that perfect puppy.  One that wasn't going to be bigger than 5 lbs, female, good temperament, cute (of course), furry, and not 2000.00.   And I finally found her.  I had been trying to convince Chris for at least a week, and didn't have him thoroughly convinced, but when he got home today...... well, I had picked something up on my "sick kid" outing.  And here she is:

She is a maltese/yorkie mix, is currently under 2 lbs (so approx 5 lbs fully grown) and just a super cuddle bug.  I had a tough time naming her:  Lauren, Joshua, and I had it narrowed down to
Molly
Maggie
Zoe (Joshua)
Chloe (Lauren)
Josie (Me)
Bailey

Chris had the vote of Wicket---which I have to agree has an uncanny resemblance:

But after careful consideration (and some Facebook votes) her name is Josie.  Lauren interjected her need for input and so her full name is "Josie Bear".  :-)

Now, for getting Vader to tolerate (and not eat) her.

The face of 5th's Disease

Thus far, I have considered myself lucky--we have skirted the annoying childhood virus, 5th's Disease.  Then, Lauren had some pink cheeks yesterday..... she is usually one that will have pink cheeks, and it was warm, she didn't have a fever or feel sick, so I wasn't all that concerned.  Then this morning, she had even brighter pink cheeks with weird "barriers" (it wasn't just the pink circle cheeks we get when hot).  I had her strip, and sure enough, a very light/mild/mottled body rash.

My pink cheeked little girl

We had a party to go to today, and usually I would just be like "suck it up family, it is an annoying childhood disease and you probably have already had it" but we have a family member with a decreased immune system, and I don't want to be responsible for her demise ;-).  As per research, Lauren (with the rash) is not contagious, however, the other 2 probably are in the incubation period.... SOOOOO, I have to stay home today, with 3 kids, alone---while my husband goes and parties.  *sigh  (Oh, and it is going to be a bright sun-shiny day.  So sunbathing sequestering may be in order.)

Day 2 of 5th Disease Rash (or day 9-12 of disease :-))

Happy Birthday to my Mommy!

Happy Birthday to my SUPER COOL MOM!  I am so blessed to have you and thank God everyday that He picked you for me.  You have taught me to work hard, that I can accomplish anything and everything I set my mind to, that I am stronger than I think I am (and so are you!), how to be an amazing mommy to 3 of your grand babies... you have supported me, always been there for me, encouraged me, cried with me, fought with me (figuratively and literally ;-)), put up with my hellish teen years and still love me now.

I am who I am because of you!  I hope you have a wonderful birthday and see you in a few days!

My Mom and I.

My Mom giving Lauren her first bath!

Holding Joshua

Introducing Julia to Lauren

My Mom and I and my wedding

Happy Birthday Mom!

Making up for yesterday!

So... for as unmotivated as I was yesterday, I made up for it today!  I had been noticing that the "man cave" had been not smelling as wonderful as it should, and had been bugging me, so I kicked my husband out of his work station (aka man cave) at 7am, made him relocate, and cleaned the HECK out of that room!  I scrubbed walls, took out un-needed furniture, rearranged toys,  opened windows WIDE, threw stuff away, scrubbed the bathroom, turned over couches and cleaned inside/febreezed the outside, vacuumed.... the whole shebang.  (It is a big room.... 14X20ish?) It smells all nice and fresh downstairs now.  :-)

Then.... I graduated to sorting through all the clothes that need to be handed down to my cousin's family.  We seem to have staggered kids, so we can kind trade a bit.  I enjoy knowing that the clothes can be used again and that her kids will enjoy them.  So, I went through drawers, closets... and filled a large moving box full.  Now, I need to make sure I get them to her in a timely fashion!

I thoroughly cleaned out the girls room with 1 full bag of garbage accumulated.  I just need to vacuum tomorrow :-).

I have bathed/trimmed/nail buffed the dog. 
Done dishes. 
Cleaned out dog kennel. 
Cleaned master bathroom.

I have been told to stop now though, my husband has to put a cap on the "garbage take out" amount.  I can't clean anymore until next week, after garbage day ;-)

Now, on to movie and pizza night.  I deserve it, too bad I don't drink beer.

Lauren 2.5 yrs old---- She would always don the hat when she cleaned.  Super adorable!

I wanna.....

Make today a picture day.  What I mean is, I have a TON of pictures I need to organize.  I need to scan millions and I  found a great deal on Living Social today for a photo book.  I have been searching for ways to condense my picture stash as well as organize my pictures that are on my computer.  I would like to save them to disc that I can place in our fire box as well as have some "albums" like the olden days-- which today means digital ones!

I also need to scan Lauren's baby pictures onto a disc and the computer....... I only have hard copies (didn't have my computer then), and if I lose them, we are toast.

We will see how much I accomplish today.  Spending a majority of the day screwing with a printer/scanner and cooped up in a computer room doesn't sound like a jolly of a day..... take a nap does.

I will update my post when the day is done.


Yeah.... none of it got done.  I went to the gym---kicked butt, got light headed since I didn't eat enough yesterday, then came home, and CRASHED.  Woke up a grump and unmotivated, and didn't do diddly.   FELT AWESOME!  :-)

Weekly Weightloss Wednesday

Wednesdays Stats:
Highest Weight "achieved": 11/09
To date weight loss: -63 lbs (-1 lb)
Goal weight: 82 more lbs to lose
Daily Average Caloric intake this week: 1200
Average Water intake this week: 60 oz
Total Cardio This week: 110 minutes (decreased by 23 minutes from 1 wk ago)
Total Weightlifting this week: 90---however, the exercises have increased in difficulty.....

However, if you remember.... "Olga" and I have an on going bet and I WON this week :-)  SO, I won my Red Bull (actually 2 of them..... same number of ounces, but just 2 containers)..... this week we have the same restrictions as last week along with having to email our diet intake each day.  Watch out "Olga" I am doing well :-)!

Have been wracking my brain for teacher's gifts:

And finally came up with this!  I am actually pretty impressed and happy with how it came out! (One of the recipients is a facebook friend, and hopefully she doesn't read this prior to getting it!)

So, I have included a pretty (hard to kill) plant, gift cards to Cold Stone Creamery, Starbucks, and Regal so they can have fun this summer with THEIR families, since they spent so much time this year with part of mine!  Of course, a nice card will be added :-)

Baby-itis sucks!

My baby-itis is getting really bad.  I don't have any clue why:  I have a moody 7 year old, an "annoying-boy-noise-making" almost 5 year old, and a really REALLY challenging 2 year old.  But maybe that is why I have babyitis?  I know how to fix a baby.  I know that just me picking them up, rocking them, rubbing their foreheads or nuzzling their hair will calm them  (Julia had a bald spot from me doing this... GOD I miss that :-'''( .  When they are babies I am their world and they are mine. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I am VERY excited and happy to watch my kids grow and become their own little people, but it is hard to realize that others can take care of them..... make them laugh.... calm their tears... mold their hearts. 

I don't really know how to articulate my feelings...... I am just sad.  I will never again have that stomach flop and pure anxiety of realizing I am going to be a mom again..... I will never feel the little person my body is growing/protecting/nurturing move and kick and hiccup.  I will never again meet my baby for the first time and lay in the hospital in pain--but the happiest and proudest Mom ever,  soaking in every second of cuddling with my new baby.    

Letting go is harder than I anticipated---and it is only going to get worse.

"Maybe" if I let go of these feelings I can quit wallowing in my past sorrows and look forward to the future!  The future of having kids old enough to travel with, share the world with, have a conversation with....... 


Sorry for the jumbled post..... kinda having a hard time right now.

The first time I saw Julia---picking her up from the NICU on my way to my Post Partum Room!  (She didn't cooperate with the whole breathing after delivery obligation.)

Contrary to popular belief...

Dearest Julia,

*Toilet water is not for brushing your teeth, splashing water, cleaning the floor, washing your hands, scrubbing your face, floating cups in, decorating with toilet paper, or drinking.

*Toilet Brushes are not for scrubbing walls.

*It is not ok to walk outside without clothes on.

*Dog food nuggets are not "cheerios"

*Dishwashing cubes are not jaw breakers (no worries, she didn't actually eat one)

*And spitting at your brother is not the same as him taking a shower.


*sigh

And that about sums up my day.

Father's Day

We had a pretty good Father's Day, except I woke up with a raging headache and a "mood warning" day, as I call it.  (When I am in a horrid mood I text my trainer "Olga" and just say "Mood Warning" and she knows I am going to be feisty!)  Anyway, but I attempted as best as I could to suck it up, and we drove up north to a Father's Day Brunch at Anthony's Waterfront Restaurant.  There were lots of peeps there, and we had a really good breakfast, surrounded by great company!

I also, got to utilize my camera, but unfortunately I have not perfected my usage, so not many actually came out!  But I got a great pic of Papa and Joshua.... and a pic of Julia and Daddy, but since he doesn't not want his mug on my blog, he is cropped.

Papa is Joshua's favorite person EVER!  They are great buds (and sharing Papa's present---peanuts)

Here is Julia (and Daddy, but he is blurred).

Then we came home, I took a nap (remember, headache) and Chris went to go attempt to spend his Father's Day gift cards to get a new BBQ.  They didn't have the one he wanted in stock..... (which he is back out now at nearly 8pm because he thinks he found one).    Then I made him some dinner, what could be better to end a day than this???

Oh, and in our attempt to get some practice in with the camera, we got this picture--which I actually adore because, if you have the pleasure of knowing Julia, you would know that this is pretty much how you see her ALL THE TIME!  She never actually chills.

Summer Reading Programs with free books!

I found these 2 summer reading programs for those of you with kids!  1 is for Half Price Books, and the other is for Borders.  Reading is a huge thing in our house, and I would love for my kids to not only read but to also get a surprise at the end!  (FOR FREE!)

http://www.hpb.com/community/fyb/started/

http://www.borders.com/online/store/MediaView_doubledogdare

Great Date Night---Frugal attempt-FAIL

Chris and I went out for date night last night.  We had a great time at a fabulous restaurant, which I attempted to use my budding frugality as a theme!  We had a 50.00 gift card, and prior to leaving the house I was able to locate a 25.00 off your meal coupon.  The stipulation for the 25.00 off was for both of us to buy entree's (I hadn't planned on getting a full entree').  The food was really good and the sights even better!

However, even with my coupon/gift card, our meal was 70.00.  BUT, on a brighter note, we had never been, it is definitely a place "to go in Seattle", and we paid less than 1/2 of what it would have usually cost.  SO, maybe it was a success.  Now, in order to even come CLOSE to our "not spending more than $130.00 more on food in 2 weeks"  it will be tough, especially considering we have a Father's Day Brunch on Sunday.  Hmmmmmm, I am thinking we will not make it, but I am still going to try!

Then, my husband decided to allow me to get my birthday present a few months early!  Here it is:

Although in my current research of finding a picture for you---I found that it comes in RED.  Hmmmmmm, I don't know if packing everything back up, driving back to the store, probably having it special ordered is worth the RED.  But..... RED!!!! :-)

I cannot wait to start using my new camera, now if only I wasn't so sluggish today.  My wonderful husband did let me go back to bed this morning for 830-1030am, after I got up and made breakfast and such, and I just downed a Red Bull, so I HOPE I can get up and do something.

Frugal Friday

I know, I have failed to start my frugal fridays off with a bang.  I am not the great couponer that can get $1000.00 for $.32........... I am just not frugal.  I am a "buy it when I want it" type of person.  However,  for the next 2 weeks,  I have set a goal in which I hope to achieve. 

I would like to spend less than 300.00 on food.  This includes my husbands coffee every morning, groceries, eating out, etc.  (I spent 170.00 today, so I have 130.00 left)

Some of the frugal things I have "tried" to do:  I had to buy gift cards for a gift, however, they were on some special... buy $50.00 gift card, get $10.00 grocery store "money"..... so I bought the cards I was going to anyway, and have $50.00 to just spend on groceries, which should help with my lack of spending more than 130.00 in 2 weeks!

Also, I have specifically bought things lately that have enabled me to obtain 2 free movie tickets for Cars 2, which we hope to go see for/around Joshua's birthday in a few weeks! 

My husband and I have an upcoming date night, and we have a gift card from christmas, so I made a reservations there, and therefore I am thinking our total bill (for a $50.00+ a plate restaurant) will be under 30 out of pocket!

Chris and I have discussed seriously about cancelling our cable and using "free-ish" services.  So instead of paying $200.00 a month, we will be paying around $20.00.  NICE!

Wish me luck.  I want to be frugal, but I am lazy..... so it is a problem.  Being frugal takes a lot of work.

My To Do List Today:

I figured that maybe if I am accountable on my blog, that perhaps it will motivate me to get my stuff done today!  :-)  (List in no particular Order)

Queen of Procrastination

1. Pay Bills
2. Grocery Shopping
3. Father's Day stuff
4. Mail Cards and Joshua's Invites
5. Set up Date Night
6. Morning Chores
7. Menu Planning for week
8. Finish Laundry
9. Teacher's Gifts
10. Eye Brows Waxed
11. Pick up Prescriptions
12. Make Referral Dr appt
13. Order Contacts
14. 
    

Joshua is almost 5!

I am getting excited---and sad--- that my little boy will be 5 in a few weeks.  He will be starting Kindergarten in September..... full day Kindergarten.  He is growing up SO fast, and he is such a funny little guy.  Super sweet, very comical, lazily smart (super smart, but has no desire to apply it------can we say his Dad?), loves to color and draw, and still comes to me asking for cuddles and gives kisses "just because".  I hope none of those things ever change.

Anyway, he has requested a "Hot Wheels Party" this year.  His birthday is very near the 4th of July, and due to so many of his "requested attendees" being busy, we had to move his party to another weekend. 

Here are his invites:  Which I think turned out pretty neato!

Blurred part is just party info

This is what we got him for his Birthday:

Which he played for HOURS with at Grandma's house a few weeks back.  So, I searched and searched and searched to find ones that had the ones he would need, were appropriate boy colors (had to meet Chris' approval :-)), and that were not out of stock.  Funny thing, by Christmas I am sure they will be at every little stand at the craft bazaar I go to every year (Like they were last year) at a super cheap price!  HAHA

Now, on to ordering the birthday supplies:

And I have made his birthday list:

Which include things such as: Legos, guitar and accessories (he is starting lessons in September), Art stuff, Spy gadgets, Magic props, Skateboard (actually it is a scootboard--has a scooter handle, but can be removed as he improves), Bike/skate helmet, Alarm Clock.  It is hard to find things he may want, since the little dude has EVERYTHING.

Weekly Weightloss Wednesday

Wednesdays Stats:
Highest Weight "achieved": 11/09
To date weight loss: -62 lbs (No change)
Goal weight: 83 more lbs to lose
Daily Average Caloric intake this week:1485
Average Water intake this week:74 oz
Total Cardio This week: 135 minutes (decreased by 33 minutes from 1 wk ago)
Total Weightlifting this week: 140---however, the exercises have increased in difficulty.....

This last week "Olga" and I had a bet---who could lose the most weight including the stipulation of NO DRIVE THRU.  I passed the no drive thru rule, but I did not lose the most weight, she did.  However, in my slight defense I traveled all weekend, and had a lot of water weight.  Our bets start on Monday which I had actually gained from the week prior, but when I weighed today I had lost 3 lbs..... which would have won me the bet.  "Olga" enjoy your Red Bull, and next week you best be prepared to buy mine! ;-)

BTW:  This weeks bet?  Not to eat any of our chosen trigger foods.  Mine are: Chips, ice cream, boxed cereal..... Oh, I know there is more, but can't think of them.  Anyway, thus far, I have held strong and doing very well.  PLEASE let next week show proof of my efforts (and win me a Red Bull!)

Joshua's Birth Story #1

This is going to be a long and emotional one.  I will document as much as I can at this point, and if I don't get to the end, I will continue another day.

I will start at the beginning.... Chris and I knew that we wanted more kids.  And, due to Lauren being nearly 2, we wanted to get crackin.  I had had problems with conceiving Lauren, so I went to the Dr, and was started right away on Clomid in which I took my first dose in Mid October.  I began ovulation tests the first week of November, and on our wedding day (November 5th, 2005), I took a test, but screwed up and pee'd too much and it didn't work. But oh well, we would take care of "that day" anyway.  So, we went on to have a beautiful wedding.... went home that evening, decided to chill and play games and eat pizza (what every newly married couple does, right?).  I had to use the restroom, and decided to take another test just to see.... and sure enough I was ovulating!  I run downstairs and tell him and he is like "Uhhh, what do we do?"... and I told him... and he was like "Right now???" but I notified him we could at least finish our game ;-).
     Within a day or two (kind of forgot) we left for our honeymoon in Maui, and had a FANTASTIC TIME and returned a week later.

Friday November 18th.... I was due for my monthly visitor... it wasn't showing its usual signs--but I didn't think anything of it because my cycles were all wacky anyway.  But, I took a pregnancy test.  It was negative, so I threw it away and went back to life.... later that day I saw it laying in the garbage as a very faint positive test.  I was like "Oh, isn't that what happens when they sit too long?" But I took another it was positive---and another-positive, and another-positive... Lets say a total of 6 tests.  I was SO shocked.  After it being so difficult with Lauren, this pregnancy was a 1 shot deal.  My due date was July 28th, 2006 (the kid's Mimi's bday!).  I went shopping, bought a bunch of baby stuff and wrapped a present for Chris.  It had a few things in it (my memory fades) but there was a baby blanket, a baby bib, baby toys, a bottle, a card with a newborn baby on it, and the positive pregnancy test.  My poor clueless husband didn't get it until the card.  HAHA  Funny funny man!

5 weeks 2 days (November 28th, 2005), I start spotting.  Bright red spotting.  I called my Dr, whom was the dr I had for Lauren.  She does labs and says that things are ok... I talk her into an ultrasound, and although medically/professionally I understand that what is going to happen is going to happen---emotionally you just want EVERYTHING to be done.  Everything showed fine via ultrasound... so she ordered serial labs and I was placed on strict bedrest.

5 weeks 5 days (December 1st) still bleeding and an increased amount.  Labs show pregnancy hormone to be not doubling at an appropriate rate.  Most likely I am miscarrying.  Lauren's 2nd birthday the next day, we cancelled the birthday party.

6 weeks 3 days (December 6th) Another ultrasound and labs... labs seem to be stable, not awesome, but stable.... still bleeding, at times as much as a heavy period and severe cramping.... but baby is hanging in there.

6 weeks 6 days (December 9th) Labs doing ok, low end of normal, but still pregnant... still on bedrest.

7 weeks 5 days (December 17th).  Labs seem to be hanging in there..... bleeding has slowed down, ultrasound shows growing fetus with strong heartbeat!  WOO HOO! 

12 weeks (January 16th, 2006).  We go in for an anatomy scan.  They did standard measurements, checked the heartrate etc.... then I noticed that they were remeasuring something over and over and over again... I knew something was wrong..... I questioned the tech.  She, of course, said the radiologist needed to talk to Chris and I.  He came in, he scanned, rescanned, rescanned, and asked when we were seeing our doctor (we had an appt within 2 hrs of ultrasound).  I told him to tell me what he was seeing and he said the nuchal translucency was abnormal.... in which I said "So, we are thinking Downs Syndrome?" and he said.... no.  That it was worse than that.  That it was more indicative of Turners Syndrome (where there is only an X chromosome rather than an XX or XY.... only happens in girls and has various decrees of severity.... very few make it through pregnancy, and the ones that do often have some major issues).  The Radiologist proceeded to talk something about a daughter or niece of his that has this and is fine... blah blah blah.... I don't honestly remember much of what he said.  I was in shock, devastated, completely heartbroken.  My baby wasn't ok.  We went to our appointment, chatted with my Dr whom said we can do an amniocentesis to check chromosomes at 18ish weeks... I couldn't mentally wait that long.  I needed to know now.  So, she called around to see whom did CVS testing in the area (similar to an amnio but done earlier... generally before 15wks, but they prefer before 14).   She found a physician up in Seattle that does it and arranged an urgent appt to have it done.  I started thinking of all the things it could be.... all of the issues we could have.  Praying that our baby would be ok.

12 weeksCVS testing.   They did the ultrasound and found the same thing the other radiologist did.... but with more detail.  The diagnosis was "Septated Cystic Hygroma" which was measuring at 8+mm.  Basically the septated and the measurement indicated a severe issue, and the probability of the baby surviving was very very small.  90+% of babies with septated hygromas continue to fill up with fluid and eventually go into fetal hydrops, or basically the fluid builds up until the organs can't function and they demise.   There was no known medical documentation of a baby with a hygroma of this size being ok. We were counseled at that time to terminate. We had genetic counseling.... I recall while waiting in the waiting room that there was some teenager whining about some normal pregnancy issue and I just wanted to go and yell at her and be like "At least your baby is ok... at least your baby is going to live.... I would puke everyday, have millions of stretchmarks, have cankles galore, have tons of needles poked and prodded, gain 400lbs.... just to give my baby a CHANCE of being ok..........Luckily I didn't say anything..... Here is the picture of what we saw:

The white egg-shape circle in middle is the head, the bubble around it was the cyst.  It was bigger than his head was :-(

13 weeks (January 25th 2006).  Chris and I traveled up to Seattle to have the CVS testing.  The doctor re-did an the ultrasound... of course found the same findings.... we asked the Dr "We are not in denial about the probable end result of all of this, but can you give us some odds?"  His response was that we had less than 2% chance of ANY live birth at the end of the pregnancy---let alone a mentally/physically intact baby.  He highly encouraged termination, and let us know we had until 20 weeks to decide.  He did the CVS testing, it was rather freaky actually.... they put in a long needle (like an amnio), but they put it into the placenta, then attach a plunger like thing and you hear this suction sound and feel this sucking feeling.... the needle went in and Chris was like "Ughhhh" like he was socked in the stomach---DUDE, I am the one that this is being stuck into... but anyway.... they got the stuff they needed and sent it off for chromosomal testing; we opted for FISH testing which basically just tests certain chromosomes (13, 18, 21, and maybe 1 or 2 more) and comes back within a week or so.... then the rest come back later.  This testing would rule out the ones that were most prevalent in cases such as ours.... Trisomy 13 and 18 are incompatible with life... Trisomy 21 is Down's Syndrome.... and then since they are testing chromosomes, Turners syndrome would be ruled in or out.

We went home to try to come to grips with things.  We were highly encouraged to terminate, however, Chris was completely against it.... I, of course, didn't want to terminate my baby........ but also, I have seen babies be born that had many issues and their short lives and those few hours/days/weeks/months spent in hospitals being poked, prodded, not cuddled, not held... it is horrible. Or if they lived long lives, but weren't ok, the quality of life is not that of which we desire our children to live. Also, going through my head, how fair was it to Lauren to have a sibling that wasn't ok.....  "Sorry, I can't go to your soccer game because your brother/sister has therapy" or whatever.  Of course, if this was what my child needed, I would do it---no questions, no hesitation... but in this case we had a choice.  I would lay in bed and wail for God to let him die inside...that if he wasn't going to be ok to have him just pass away---inside of me--- surrounded by my warm womb, hearing my beating heart, feeling how much I loved him/her.  PLEASE GOD, don't make us make this decision.  I had a doppler at home, and I would listen for hours on end, thinking that that was the only thing I would know of my baby.  That if I stopped listening, his/her heart would stop.  I would talk to him/her saying how much I loved him/her, how much he/she is wanted... but that in order for him/her to not feel any pain I would burden that pain if he/she wanted to stop fighting.

14 wks 6 days (February 3rd, 2006).  I am home alone with Lauren, still on strict bedrest.  Chris is on his way home from work and is about 35 minutes away.  We are suppose to go to my in-laws for dinner in Seattle...... I got off the phone with my Step-Mother in Law, and head to the bathroom.  All of a sudden I feel this huge gush/pop feeling and I am standing in a huge puddle of blood.  Bright red blood.  I wipe up a bit, and go and lay down.  I call my husband and tell him to hurry home... I call my MIL to let her know we weren't coming.  I call my Dr to let them know what was happening in which they told me to come in.  I took out my doppler, heard my baby's heartbeat and told him/her how much I loved him/her and tried to focus on the heartrate---so I could remember it always.  While I was making these phone calls, I received a call saying they had the results of the chromosomal testing..... All of the chromosomes on the FISH test came back normal..... I remember saying "I don't think it matters, I just started bleeding and I am going to lose my baby today".... and then she asked if I wanted to know if it was a boy or girl---I did.  She said it was a boy.  
     Chris got home, we loaded up Lauren and started our drive to the hospital.  At the time, we lived about 45 minutes (without traffic) from where I was going to deliver.  We passed a few hospitals on the way.  My Dr's cohort called and told me to stop at a specific hospital (ironically the one I worked at), because she was afraid of the amount of bleeding I was reporting and could I make it for 1-2 hrs on the road (Friday night... 6pm..... 2 hours was lucky).  I am stubborn.  If I was going to lose my baby I wanted to have the Dr I trusted.  One that I knew would be straight with me, who would not sugar coat things, would respect my wishes, would cry with me.  So, we continued to drive. 
     By the time we got to the hospital, my mom/stepdad was there.  My stepdad took Lauren home with him, my mom stayed with us.  Upon getting there, my bleeding had slowed way down, but I was cramping a LOT.  I went to the restroom and did my own cervical exam.  (Us nurses are sick people! :-))... I wasn't dilated at all.  They did a quick ultrasound.... and there was our little boy, bouncing around, way up high in the uterus, with his heart beating strong.  The ER doctor (not an OB doctor) did a cervical exam and said I was "4 cms dilated and felt fetal parts".... I looked at my mom after he left and was like "WTF, I just checked myself and I was closed and they just did an ultrasound and he is super high in the uterus---no fetal parts to feel"... Anyway.  I was admitted and kept overnight.  I had another ultrasound in the morning and the baby was still ok......  the bleeding was minimal, and it was determined that I had a subchorionic hematoma or basically a space that separates between the uterus and placenta, and fills up with blood.  Basically in my case, it was like a blister that "popped" and then after it "popped" it re-sealed itself and stopped bleeding.  Of course, this increases the chances of the placenta tearing completely away from the uterus (abruption) and then the baby would die.... So I stayed on bed rest.

15-16 weeks: (Beg-mid February 2006) I laid around at home... looking obsessively on the internet for information on diagnosis, what this could be, what the outcome would be.... what could be done (nothing).  I signed up for prayer circles with strangers I didn't know (but had gone through things similar), I cried until I couldn't cry anymore..... Sometimes I was very angry (ok a lot of the time)... why me, why us.  I fell into a deep depression.  I didn't know how Chris and I would survive within our marriage.... we had only been married 4 months....... how would we make it through this when we differed SO greatly on what we should do.  We still had to decide whether or not to terminate.

16 weeks:  (February 15th, 2006)  Back to Seattle for another ultrasound.  Same findings.... same hygroma measurement, but he was getting bigger (quite a bit bigger...... measuring at 18-19 wks), but the cyst hadn't grown.  At this point they were like "If it isn't any of the chromosomal issues we ruled out, he hasn't gone into hydrops, he isn't anemic (we had done multiple tests to determine that the bleeding was from me not him... that there wasn't any blood incompatibility issues etc), he seems to be doing ok---it must be a heart defect.  If he lives until 20 weeks, than we need to do an echo cardiogram of his heart.
     I went home and researched ALL of the fetal heart defects.  Which ones are more likely to cause cysts... etc.  I had a list of all of them, in order of which ones were the "best to have" vs the "worst"... which ones could be easily fixed vs not.  I still obsessively listened to his heartrate on the doppler.  I listened so much, Lauren would get it out for me, put on the gel, and find him for me.... (super cute!)

19.5 weeks (March 8th, 2006):  We went in for the echo cardiogram of his heart.  I had my list.... all balled up in my hand--sweaty and shaky.   We had to make the decision to terminate vs not--today.  Chris had always been against it.... I finally had come to the conclusion that if he was going to fight, that I was too.  He had, thus far, persevered through everything......  he made it through all the bleeding... he made it through the cyst.  He was proving everyone wrong.  I was willing to do anything to help him fight.  They did the ultrasound.... the perinatologist came in and she was so blunt and brash and comes in and says "Everything is fine, he is fine." and walks out. I was like whatttt?????? So we had her come back in and I requested she be more specific.  And she said... his heart was completely normal, the area where the cyst was was a little larger than it should be, but if we had not had prior ultrasounds, that they probably wouldn't have even flagged it (he had grown into it basically), and that considering that he was 2-3 weeks bigger than average, he was getting adequate blood flow/nutrients despite my bleeding.... so he was fine.  OMG, are you SERIOUS????? He was ok?????  I just melted in tears.  I cried so hard, I couldn't get dressed to leave.  I was shaking, Chris had to support me as a walked out. 
      We walked to the car in silence.  We went to California Pizza Kitchen (had never been) to grab some lunch and chat.  While at the restaurant, I told Chris about a dream I had had.... that before we even knew there was a problem when I was like 8 weeks, I had had a dream that I had a son named Joshua...... I told him how much that at the time, I hated that name.... I could NEVER have a son named Joshua------but over time, it had grown on me, something was telling me that was his name, and I wanted him to be Joshua Michael.  We had yet to even seriously talk about names.  He loved it, and the name was decided...... but we didn't tell anyone!

24 weeks (April 10th, 2006)  I started having contractions.  Off to the hospital I went.  Due to the issues I had had with Lauren, we had to be very careful.... along with that there was a slight increase in the normal "Spotting" that I had been doing..... I went there, was not dilated, did not have any infections, but was contracting every 2-4 minutes.  I was given terbutaline to stop contractions(didn't work with Lauren either), and then was given nifedipine (a heart drug that helps stop contractions) and was kind of on the experimental side of things at that time... it worked wonderfully.  And we were sent home.




28 weeks (mid May)  Failed my glucose 1 hr tolerance test...... had my 3hr and passed---barely!  But passed :-)

32 weeks (June 6th)  I brought up with Chris a few weeks prior that I was interested in doing a 3D/4D ultrasound.  I, honestly, thought it was a waste of money, but that I needed to see him.  I needed to be assured he was physically ok... that he didn't have his ears coming out of his nose or something.  I needed that assurance so that I could be prepared if something was wrong.  Although they had assured us things seemed ok, they could not give us any reason for all of these issues.  Here is our little man! 

His hand up by his eye (and cord around his neck---sigh)

Sucking on his cord (why do they have to do that???) (The bulb on his head is just a photo thing.. not his head)

Notice the scowl---- he was even born with this look.  Funny funny boy!

34 weeks (June 20th)  I noticed that my amniotic fluid had increased significantly (ok, more that my stomach got big out of no where)... had an ultrasound and was found to have Polyhydramnios (abnormally high levels of fluid which can be caused by diabetes, kidney issues, digestion issues within the baby (not able to swallow and pee amniotic fluid appropriately)--- along with the fact that with an increase of fluid gives the baby more room to move around---and get tangled in his cord.  We had frequent Dr visits and ultrasounds to check for issues....... meanwhile I was HUGE!

36 weeks (July 5th, 2006) I called my Dr for an appt and discussed the amniotic fluid issues and my feeling that he needed to be born.......  We discussed that it may be better to deliver early.  #1-- I was a repeat c-section so they didn't want me to go into labor, #2-- I had been noticing a significant increase in contraction activity (probably due to increase in fluid levels) #3--due to all of the issues and not knowing what we were going to find, we wanted it to be a very planned/controlled c-section.  We wanted a pediatrician to be counseled on the pregnancy issues and be prepared to what she may face (I had hand picked her------- the one that took care of Lauren when she had RSV).  We had a hand picked anesthesiologist...... we made sure the hospital that, if anything were wrong, he would be transferred to was available and knowledgeable about the situation and ready to dispatch their transport team if need be....... #4-- I was very nervous.  We had gotten him this far, we had gotten through all of these issues, he had fought through the bleeding.  I confided in her that I have this weird feeling that it needs to be now.  I didn't know how to explain it, but that he needed to come out.  Nothing was majorly wrong, nothing really changed, but it was just this matter-of-fact feeling to do it now.  I told her I accepted the risk of him being born early---that I knew what could happen....  She consented and scheduled the c-section for the next morning at 9am.

JOSHUA'S BIRTH DAY!  (July 6th, 2006)  We got up (after not sleeping well), my sister Tracey came over to watch Lauren....we still hadn't told anyone his name yet.... and because she couldn't be there, I set up a scavenger hunt for her to find his name!  Then, we left for the hospital.  We were admitted, all the usual stuff done.... I walked back to the OR, and they attempted to put my spinal in.  They missed.  I freaked out.......... pure anxiety attack.  Not because they missed my spinal, but more because I was barely holding it together.  I felt like a glass that is completely filled with water, bulging at the rim... and one more drop of water is just too much!  I didn't know if my baby was ok, I didn't know what was going to happen.  Was I going to be able to cuddle with my baby or have to say goodbye while he breaths his last breath.  Were they going to have to whisk him away to another hospital just to give him a chance to live?  Was he even going to breath or cry?  Was there going to be a huge cyst on his neck?  Was he going to be weird looking?  So, I lost it.  They called my Dr in to help console me (she is soooo cool BTW).  Finally, they got the spinal in.... the csection started.  My blood pressure dropped drastically (pretty usual for me), they gave me a ton of drugs to help with that.... then I hear "Oh SHIT" from my Dr.  (Not what you wanna hear)..... I was like, "Is he ok??" and she held this screeching baby over the curtain!  This bloody/slimy/screaming/ BEAUTIFUL baby boy!  I started sobbing.  He seemed fine.  He looked fine.  He was acting fine.  My mom was standing anxiously at the window of the OR, and I saw out of the corner of my eye the pediatrician give her a thumbs up and saw my mom start to cry. 
     Then, I knew he was ok when the Pediatrician made a joke about "He is definitely a boy, I don't know if they have equipment big enough for his circumcision here at the hospital"..... in which my lovely husband replied "Yes, it is a ####### (last name) curse".  :-)  I knew they wouldn't be making snide jokes if there was anything wrong.
     So, I inquired to my Dr what the "Oh Shit" was about.... and basically she said that she found the location of all my bleeding, that the placenta had basically been having chronic abruptions (placenta tearing away) throughout the pregnancy, and where that had been located, it had actually weakened the uterine wall so much it was a uterine window (where it becomes so thin that you can see through it, and if it ruptures you and the baby will die...... not good).  There was also some issues with the health of the placenta and that his cord was very close to the part that wasn't functioning adequately... in other words, if we had waited until 38 weeks, there is a high likelihood that something would have gone severely wrong, and he and I may not be here.... all my Dr said was "Today was a very very good day for a birthday". 

So, on July 6th, 2006 at 0905 weighing a HUGE 7lbs 12 oz (4 weeks early!) Joshua Michael was born.  We didn't know until after he was born (and we disclosed the name) that the name "Joshua" means saved by God.... Maybe that is why that name spoke to me.  I am not a super religious person, but after all of this and then his name choice---I really have to start questioning my beliefs.


Ok---I need a break..... part 2 to be continued on a later date.  Here are some pics of him as a newborn though!!

Before having him---OMG I was HUGE

2 days later.... and I am not that drugged, just a bad picture! HA

My absolute FAVORITE picture of Lauren and Joshua

My, big mitted, little boy!

It was 102 degrees outside this day--poor boy!

My Little Sister Graduated! :-)

Lauren and I traveled over to EWU to see my little sister graduate.  I cannot believe she is starting her life with a career and such.... I still remember the day she was born, her going through some wacky stage of living in her bathing suit (slept, bathed, EVERYTHING), her being a super annoying little sister and all my friends finding her adorable--which I hated. 

And now she is an official adult, and although hard to admit, a pretty cool one too!  Here are some pics:

Yes, it was raining.... on graduation day... in an outdoor/uncovered stadium!  FUN

I don't have awesome zoom on my camera, but can you find Tracey???? (I helped you out a little)

My mom and I... she thinks it makes me look like I have a big snauze.... which I kind of have to agree

Lauren trying to keep warm, and was such a trooper through the rain and the LONG ceremony

I think Tracey is up there... hahaha..... I really need a new camera!

Then after the graduation, Tracey's fiance's mom was having a graduation party, but the girls (Lauren and Taylor) had been so good that I bagged on them (oh, poor me) and took the girls to the hotel to swim in the pool!  We swam for a bit, then went back to the room, I took a nap, the girls played, and then we went back to swimming. 

Then, Lauren and I went out for some much needed Mommy/Daughter time.  We did 2 of Lauren's favorite activities.  We had dinner:

And then she opted to go to the book store and get 3 new books: 

It was great spending time with just Lauren.  And, of course I am so happy with all 3 of my kids and that I have each and every one of them, but when you get to spend time with just 1 for an extended period of time, you get to see some of the cool things you miss when they are all together. 

Plus:  I got asked why there are teenagers having babies  (in which the answer was: because they are doing irresponsible activities that make babies before they are not old enough to partake in and handle the responsibility of those activities) AND how do babies get in there (I put her off for a brief amount of time, so I can formulate the answer I wish her to posses)... and then "Mommy, do you do those irresponsible activities?"  (Which I answered that when you are married and can take care of a baby, it is not irresponsible, but that the Dr made it so I couldn't have babies anymore when I had Julia, so I won't be having any more kids). 

I am glad she is asking such questions, and believe it or not, I am excited to be answering those questions for her.  (Before someone else does).  I need to find a book. HAHAH